6 Figures of My Love Drunk Heart

TW: This post touches on pregnancy loss and mental health challenges. Please protect your heart. 

I stumbled across a question recently that made me stop and think. It's a common reflection that surfaces at EOFY (particularly in the small business world) as a means of holding us accountable, and celebrating our achievements. 

"Reflect on the highs and lows in life and business over the last 12 months. Once you've done that, write down what you're working to achieve in the next 12 months". 

Yikes. While it might not look like a year of 'growth' in my business, what my Accountant doesn’t know is my soul grew exponentially.

12 months ago, I was navigating postpartum life without a baby. I was buried in grief, recovering from a traumatic labour and delivery (followed by emergency surgery), as well as birth complications that almost claimed my life. I was coming to grips with a new diagnosis', and how different my future would look. I'd hit a point in my life I wasn't sure I would be able to come back from. Sure, I'd hit rock bottom before, but this was different. There are parts of this story that were never made visible beyond the sanctuary of our home, but for the purpose of this share I'll simply say it was tough. 

Prior to this, I'd pivoted my biz. I was slowing down as I prepared to become a Mama of 2 IVF babies. How did I get so lucky?! Never did I imagine it would end so abruptly. So when it did, I threw myself into creating, building the online store, running retreats, teaching yoga, completing 3 additional qualifications, and immersing myself in quality time with my son (because my irrational fear of losing him grew wild during this season). 

I poured my heart into The Supported Village community, but at the time you probably didn't realise how much I needed you. You were holding space for me, just as I was holding space for you. Your purchases gave me a reason to leave the house, and venture to the post office. Your enquiries kept my fragile mind busy, and acted as a life-raft for my heart. Your connection online kept me grounded. I had the privilege of connecting with beautiful humans about challenges in their lives, and it re-ignited my desire to serve. 

As the new calendar year commenced, I started doubting myself. My worth and value shadows crept in and took up residence in my mind. I stank of shame and my own judgement. Losing my daughter provided evidence to my brain of my ‘lack of worth’ (even though it was completely untrue), birthed from an irrational, grieving mind. I had hoped I would feel worthy if I landed myself an office role (and the money wouldn't hurt). Maybe THEN people would respect me? Maybe THEN people would understand my vision? Maybe THEN people would start taking me seriously? Maybe THEN I would feel I could contribute to my family and help with the expenses? If I couldn't have any more kids, I would throw myself back into a 'real' job (if even just to avoid cheap conversation when asked how the 'little business' is going). Looking back on this chapter, I want to hug this version of me who so desperately wanted to be validated, but sought it too far from herself. She knew better, but she was hurting. 

40 hours a week of daycare for my son came with it's own challenges; health issues, allergic reactions, seizures, therapy regressions, and hospitalisations became the norm for our family unit (again). My nervous system was shot. Adrian and I were exhausted by the cycle of dis-ease. Everyone told us it was 'just daycare' and to persist, but deep down my heart was breaking knowing I would only get one chance at these tiny years. Sure, money is important (and inflation has been a b*tch to us all), but there had to be another way. 

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy the office! I love the people I worked with, the warm coffee, and the toilet breaks alone, but I missed the shadow that followed me around. Daycare called me to pick him up at least 3 days a week, so I got to see him but the circumstances were never good. It was served up with a side of guilt because I was the Mum who was always leaving work to tend to a sick child. It got old, even for me. I can only imagine how they felt. 

And so, after a series of unfortunate health circumstances (for both Lockie and I), and after having my second surgery in 2 months (courtesy of a lifelong disease)… work paused my contract for 6 months. Another abrupt pivot point. Overnight, I was a SAHM with a 'little business' that brewed with so much potential.

So, this financial year, did I make a 6 figure income? No.

Am I going to showcase my car, home, and designer items so I can inspire you to believe that you too can enjoy success like this? Unless you're interested in my Hyundai Tuscon with a backseat encrusted with toddler snacks, a dilapidated old cottage, and my Kmart finds - you're out of luck here! 

BUT... did my heart expand to 6 figures? Absolutely. Along the way I’ve been redefining success for myself. Over the course of my life it's evolved in many ways. It's refreshing to realise the things I thought I wanted are so far from my truth... it's no wonder I spent so long feeling lost. 

What did I achieve?

Resilience, healing, and growth I never thought possible. Oceans of empathy. A deep appreciation for the privilege that is holding space while teaching yoga. A loyal love for a simpler life, and being home with my son while I can. Also, I have my life. My Doctor's were quick to remind me that others haven't been so lucky, and I often think of those women who never left the hospital.

Do I cringe every time a bill comes in? Ahuh. 
But right now, I'm Lockie’s world, and he needs me here. We'll make it work for now. 

Even though there has been so much sadness in the last 12 months (there's a lot I haven't shared), there is so much to celebrate. I'm fortunate my circumstances have been the birthplace of grit and grace. I know this isn't always the case, and there's space for that here also. I know these past few years have been heartbreaking for your and yours as well. I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been facing. At the end of the day, the only 6 figures that matter are of the heart. 

So, what's going to happen this financial year?

I'm honestly not sure. Will I make my way back to the office after 6 months? Will I continue to inject energy into my business baby? I'm open to possibilities. I'm not attaching myself to a plan, but I have a vision of what I want life to feel like. You better believe it's heart centred, soul led, and involves an abundance of delicious, guilt-free rest! I want to help soften the journey because it's hard to be human. We need soft landings. We need to be heard. We need to feel safe. We need to be validated. I want to be one of those places (in an otherwise noisy world) that flips off shame, and serves up empathy. The seeds of change will always be rooted in compassion, and from compassion blooms freedom, joy, play, and a wild romance for life. I'm here for that. I’m here for ease. I'm here for soft. There is 'success' here too.

Come as you are. Let’s soften the journey.