I'm no longer giving 100%

One of the greatest evolutions of my yoga practice that has eased its way lovingly into my life (albeit with years of resistance) has been the ability to meet myself as I arrive, and use that as the foundation from which I give. 

I grew up a people-pleasing, conscientious, perfectionist. Classic overachiever - Head Girl in Primary School, a Prefect in High School… always 'striving'. Plenty of extracurriculars. I struggled with comprehension and was never the best academically, but I often landed in the 'Talented and Gifted Pool' as my Teachers identified me as a kid with 'great potential'. It seemed to be the beginning of feeling like I was always falling short of someones expectations, and not living up to the impossible standards that I was told would be possible... if only I worked harder. 

Fast forward through high school (shudders), off the back of the MySpace Top 8 ranking (do you remember that grossness!?), this painful longing to be validated merged seamlessly into adulthood. I found myself giving what felt like 200% to everything I did, but it was never enough. I was studying, working, building a house, paying a mortgage at 21, and pushing my body above and beyond. Ironically the more I achieved, the less worthy I felt within myself.

My health has been the greatest lesson (although at times, devastating) because I've been forced to sit idle through periods of not being able to give anything to anyone. For a long time, it was like hell on Earth as I learnt the same thing over and over again... until eventually, I surrendered to my truth. My capacity was different to almost everyone I knew personally, and I had to accept and adapt.

Over time, I realised that my sense of inner harmony didn’t reside in giving 100% of myself to everything else. Why? Because if I give 100% there’s no reserve. This often fuelled periods of burn out, flare ups, pain cycles, triggered surgeries, mental health challenges, needing to be medicated, and a relationship with my body that was frought with instability. 

Nowadays, I assess my capacity throughout the day so I’m able to give from my heart, mind, and physical body. How is my energy feeling today? How can I honour this through my work day? What can I do as I parent a toddler to ensure I don't arrive at the end of the day a shell of my former self? As with parenting and in life, I pick my battles… and I don’t always win. Some days, the sleep deprivation and chronic pain gets the best of me. On those days especially, I gift myself oodles of compassion because I definitely don’t need to feel worse. Overall, having a greater sense of agency over my decisions, boundaries, and my ability to lean back is a win for me. 

To me, abundance is having something left to give at the end of the day. It’s a slower, spacious pace. It gives me time to reflect so my energy is directional, purposeful, and pure source. What I produce is of greater quality, and I try not to exacerbate the struggle because (simply put) it feels shitty, exhausting and chaotic on my system. 

So, I declare that I am no longer giving 100%. 
I’m not here to get a gold star, or be acknowledged for my outstanding efforts. Deep down, I know that every day I make it out of bed is an A+ performance. The same goes for you - go us! 

I'm taking Childs Pose when I need to because my body doesn't want to exert all of its energy. Our nervous system is communicating with us all the time... so, what is it saying? And if you're not sure, what is your mind playing at right now? Our nervous system uses our senses as a tool to process responses in the body... and ultimately, that process dictates how we feel mentally, emotionally, and physically. 

Does this mean you'll no longer get the best out of me?

I'd rather say this…

I'll give you the purest of my energy, my heart, and my skill set. This is not to be confused with laziness, it just means that I’m no longer shackled by a lifetime of feeling like I'm not there yet. Trust me, we don’t need further reason to feel we aren’t good enough. In a way, it's as though I'm able to gift you more of myself than I ever have done before because I’m leaving a little somethin’ for me.