An exhale, dressed up as a panic attack

This year I was provided with… let’s call it ‘breathing space’. Although, this breathing space was more like a recurrent panic attack. Initially, it felt like every fear was being confirmed. Our minds seek proof of the stories we tell ourselves as a means of mental and emotional protection, and this example was matching a lot of worn-out narratives. 

One day, I’ll tell this story in detail (probably for my love note crew because this ‘caption novel’ is a little vulnerable for the greater playground of the internet).

Long story short, I scraped myself off the proverbial rock… again. My heart, body, and mind were done. It was a cycle of ick, and I needed to get off the ride but I had no idea where to start. 

So, I made a promise to myself that I would never let things get that bad again (if I could help it). Sure, much of it was beyond my control, but that fact alone made me feel powerless. So, I leant into the things that were within my control to regain a sense of agency. I wanted to feel empowered within myself again. Turns out, there were a few things I could do in this helpless state. 

I wrote a list of non-negotiables to focus on during this ‘breathing space’. I knew I’d be wobbly, but I approached it like my yoga practice - without judgement or attachment to the outcome, as well as oodles of compassion for the process. 

Some of the things on the list included:

- Go where your time, energy, and gooey-as-heck heart is appreciated and reciprocated.

- Root yourself in things that feel light on your system, including relationships, working circumstances, environments.

- Create space for honest, playful self connection, so you know what you want/ need to ask for/ who you are - without the noise pollution pulling you from your core.

- Respectfully lean back from anything that isn’t for you.

- Be proud of the random skill set you have, and utilise those tools confidently in your own business.

- Get out in nature most days.

- Go where you feel seen, heard, and validated (and don’t have to prove your worth via societal codes).

- Celebrate simplicity because it’s where you sit in the most joy (even if nobody around you is validating the importance of this). 

- Ask for help ONLY in spaces where it feels safe.

- Invest in help where you feel stuck, rather than spending years rehashing the same issues to no avail.

- Challenge the narrative: “just because it’s always been done way, means you have to continue to do it that way”. You’re smarter than that, and you’re here to create a life by design. 

- You are not for everyone, and it’s safe for that to be true. This doesn’t impact your worth or value. 

- You are NOT what happens to you, but this doesn’t mean you don’t need time to process things. Take your time, and know that what comes next can ‘feel’ different. 

… as well as some other things that are deeply personal.

Looking over this list, I’m proud to say I’ve experienced an overwhelming unravelling, through teeny tiny bite-sized morsels of change. I’ve quivered, I’ve struggled, and it’s not easy (even still) BUT I’ve considered myself in more exchanges and decisions. This means I have the capacity to share a less diluted version of myself to those around me. It should be noted that this is without always choosing myself first (because that isn’t always possible with a dependent, and certain responsibilities). 

The most empowering thing I’ve done is invested in myself in ways I’ve not considered before. This isn’t necessarily a financial investment either. I’ve made choices that support my energy, and this has created change. I move, I breathe, I listen differently - and it feels more easeful.

This doesn’t mean I don’t struggle, make poor choices, or battle with lifelong shadows, but I’m rebuilding myself from a space I never thought I’d come back from (again)…

and I’m telling you this because I want you to know it’s possible for you too. 

Go gently, but get to know who TF you are (and don’t be afraid to ask for more). You deserve it (even if you don’t believe it yet).

*If you’re struggling, I’m so sorry. Please reach out to medical professionals who can provide qualified support. Please also lean on support people who make you feel safe to be seen, heard and validated because you matter too.